Why I Hate Flying
This is not an Andy Rooney moment. I guess I reached a milestone that I did not know was meaningful and still don’t quite understand. Let’s have some fun.
- The paradox of flying is that you are dumb enough to be herded like cattle into a metal tube with an exact seat, but also may be an evil genius who can make a deadly weapon from 4.1 ounces of shampoo.
- Those poor gate agents. How many times have you seen some frustrated flyer on stand-by and boarding group 8B about to lunge over the counter at someone whose only defense is an intercom? It’s not their idea to delay or keep you off flights, people. I would imagine their days suck as much if not more than a traveler when things don’t run on time (which is pretty much everyday).
- I have seen enough belligerence from passengers in the last two years to worry me. Knocking out a flight attendant’s teeth because of the inconvenience of wearing a lightweight mask seems disproportionate.
- I do not fear crashing. Aviation is remarkably safe relative to driving a car. At least, it was before MCAS, but that is corporate negligent homicide (allegedly?) so we’re all good. It was only 346 people. Don’t overreact. The FAA is all about your safety.
- Pulling away from the gate and being stranded on the tarmac with an update every ten minutes telling you it will be ten more minutes leads to item #3 above. And I understand it.
- The person that brought tuna salad on the plane eight rows in front me.
- Who decided that it was alright to take off your shoes during the flight? And then posting your bare feet into the armrest slot in front of you? Not cool.
- Anyone tossing their hair behind the seat and over the video screen of some unlucky person who is too polite to tell them they are being a jerk.
- Upcharges for literally everything. You want a better seat? That’ll cost you. The standard fare only includes boarding and infrequent access to a chemical toilet. That big purse looks darn close to a carry-on. That’ll be $25.
- At the end of a thrice delayed flight and all the annoyances I listed above with which I have finally made peace, you use my captivity to override all audio output on the plane and launch into a ten minute pitch for your signature credit card. F*ck you.
That is all.