Why I Hate Flying

  1. The paradox of flying is that you are dumb enough to be herded like cattle into a metal tube with an exact seat, but also may be an evil genius who can make a deadly weapon from 4.1 ounces of shampoo.
  2. Those poor gate agents. How many times have you seen some frustrated flyer on stand-by and boarding group 8B about to lunge over the counter at someone whose only defense is an intercom? It’s not their idea to delay or keep you off flights, people. I would imagine their days suck as much if not more than a traveler when things don’t run on time (which is pretty much everyday).
  3. I have seen enough belligerence from passengers in the last two years to worry me. Knocking out a flight attendant’s teeth because of the inconvenience of wearing a lightweight mask seems disproportionate.
  4. I do not fear crashing. Aviation is remarkably safe relative to driving a car. At least, it was before MCAS, but that is corporate negligent homicide (allegedly?) so we’re all good. It was only 346 people. Don’t overreact. The FAA is all about your safety.
  5. Pulling away from the gate and being stranded on the tarmac with an update every ten minutes telling you it will be ten more minutes leads to item #3 above. And I understand it.
  6. The person that brought tuna salad on the plane eight rows in front me.
  7. Who decided that it was alright to take off your shoes during the flight? And then posting your bare feet into the armrest slot in front of you? Not cool.
  8. Anyone tossing their hair behind the seat and over the video screen of some unlucky person who is too polite to tell them they are being a jerk.
  9. Upcharges for literally everything. You want a better seat? That’ll cost you. The standard fare only includes boarding and infrequent access to a chemical toilet. That big purse looks darn close to a carry-on. That’ll be $25.
  10. At the end of a thrice delayed flight and all the annoyances I listed above with which I have finally made peace, you use my captivity to override all audio output on the plane and launch into a ten minute pitch for your signature credit card. F*ck you.



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Nobody special, just someone who likes to write and make art.